I Wish I Had Known
by skitternimble
Summary: Tumblebrutus knew nothing of the life of Admetus, so he didn't know how to feel when he died. This is how Tumble learned of the hard life Admetus had lived, came to terms with death, and became the close companion to one very lonely queen. Please R&R
1. The funeral

**Disclaimer: I don't own CATS!**

**This is an idea I had, but I'm really going to need reader input for this one. What I need is ideas, I want to know what others have experienced losing friends or family because I want this story to seem realistic. It's pretty much a story of not knowing anything about somebody until after they die, and then regreting it and trying to use their life as an example to grow and change.**

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><p><em>It begins with the funeral.<em>

Tumblebrutus sat in the clearing, the voices of those speaking ringing through his head, not a word registering. Instead he just starred, starred at the body wrapped up and ready to be buried, it seemed very surreal.

"Admetus was a wonderful mate and friend..." the speakers went on, Tumble didn't listen because he never knew Admetus.

The death had been sudden, Admetus was attacked by a pollicle on his way back to the yard. Tumble had seen his mother, Jenny, trying to save Admetus's life. He saw the jellicle's blood on her paws through the cracked door and saw the look on his mother's face when she came out of the room. There was a look of anguish on her face, in the room she had just left, was something once alive. Tumble was kept awake that night by his mother crying, and he couldn't go into her office for days afterwards.

Now here he sat, he didn't know anything about the cat whom he was now supposed to be mourning, he didn't even know half the cats who were speaking. He felt numb, it was cold and he just wanted to go inside, but he had promised his mom he would sit through the service. He was surrounded by strange faces, not one of his friends was there, none of their parents had dragged them to this.

The service felt very long, during that time Tumble just sat and thought, something he normally avoided doing. He didn't cry when everyone was crying, he didn't applaud the speakers, all he did was starre at the body and look around at all the sad faces.

Tumble hadn't thought much about death, none of the kittens really did, they just assumed each would go heaviside and that way nobody had to die. Nobody...

Eventually they got up, Tumble thought maybe it was over, but his mom made him follow the crowd. He didn't know where they were going, but Old Deuteronomy led them to a secluded area of the junkyard. Tumble soon realized that they were going to bury Admetus, there was already a hole and a little tomb stone ready. A twinge of guilt hit him as they came upon the grave site, knowing he and his friends had used to make fun of Admetus.

There was a dark brown queen, who's name he didn't recall, walking close by him. She was crying, what relation did she have to Admetus? He didn't even know what Admetus was to himself.

Tumble just went with it, looking down at his feet as they lowered the body into the ground, not knowing how to feel at all. How should he feel about this cat, whom he had laughed at but never really known? What ate at his soul was that he didn't know how he was supposed to feel.

Tugger played 'Amazing Grace' on his bagpipes, he was actually pretty good here. Everyone perked up their ears and listened to the music as the body of Admetus was placed in the ground and buried, the brown queen crying harder as the song progressed.

Tumble watched her weep, he wondered if he would be crying as hard as her if he had known Admetus. Some queens came and put their arms around her, wanting to help her, Tumble felt useless and stupid being there, at the funeral of a cat he knew nothing about.

Soon the burial was over, the lid was placed on the grave, and the cats slowly departed, leaving the dark queen alone.

As Tumble left, he turned one more time and watched the dark queen weeping, standing over Admetus' grave. If anything, watching a queen he didn't know cry so hard had left an imprint on him.


	2. Confusion

**Disclaimer: I don't own CATS!**

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><p>Tumble walked slowly behind his mom, still unsure of how to feel. He couldn't imagine not living long enough to make it heaviside, why would that have happen to any jellicle?<p>

Jenny walked somberly, she had wept throughout the service, now she just wanted to get home so she could mourn alone.

The junkyard was quieter than it usually was, Tumble knew his friends were out having a good time. Pouncival, his best friend, was probably causing some kind of mischief and getting all the others involved.

_"Why did my mom have to make me go to that stupid funeral!"_ he thought to himself. _"I could've been out with my friends right now."_

He started to clinch up his paws into fists, so angry that he had wasted a day he could have spent having fun. He didn't know anything about Admetus, why did he have to mourn him? He wanted to say something to make his mother upset, wanting to stir up the pot because of his resentment. He thought for a moment, wondering what he could say, but they were almost to the front door to their den, and suddenly she turned around and looked at him.

She had tears streaming down her face, although she didn't cry out loud, she wasn't even sobbing. She let out a sigh, and his face softened and the anger seemed to just float away at the sight of his mother crying. "You cannot imagine what it means to me, that you came with me to the funeral today. After all that's happened, having you there with me made it so much easier. Thanks Tumble." Her kind voice hit him like a kick in the guts, making him feel lower than dirt for what he was just thinking.

He found he couldn't respond in any way, a moment before he wanted to say something spiteful, now he just wanted to disappear. He had to say something, but suddenly he found himself being pulled into a big hug by his mother, and she squeezed the breath out of him. After a moment, Jenny let go, tears still streaming down her face.

"I'm sorry Tumble... I know you're getting 'too old' for your mothers affection. Why not you go off and spend some time with you're friends before dinner?" she said, drying her tears.

"Nah," he said, shaking his head. "I think I'd just like to go to my room."

They went inside and Jenny headed into the kitchen, but Tumble lingered in the hallway, his confusion overwhelming him. He walked slowly, listening to his mom trying to get dinner started. He passed by a door before stopping and turning around and looking at it, it was the door to his mother's office, the room where Admetus had died. Tumble reached for the door handle with a shaking paw, slowly opening the door and peering inside. There was a table in the middle that served as an examination table as well as an operating table. On the shelf there were jars filled with alcohol for sterilization as well as medicines and a few potions from Misto. There was surgical equipment and bandages, even a few pints of donated blood. How could any Jellicle just die, with such amazing medical breakthroughs happening all the time? Jenny was a top notch surgeon, in fact, this was the first time Tumble ever knew her to lose a patient.

Tumble stood with his head inside his mother's office for several minutes, until he didn't even really see anything in particular, as he was lost in thought.

"Tumble, does leftover mouse stew sound okay?" his mother called from the other room, bringing him back to earth.

"Uhh, yah mom, that sounds good," he called back, nothing really seeming that appealing at the moment. He looked back into his mother's office one more time, knowing that a Jellicle had actually died in there.

Tumble quietly picked at his dinner that evening, although usually he ate like a pollicle and bombarded his mom with goofy stories of what he and his friends were up to, tonight he barely said or ate anything.

He didn't even put up a protest when Jenny tried to kiss him goodnight.

Once in bed, he stared at the ceiling, wondering what it was like to die, and more importantly, why would any Jellicle have to die?

_"He couldn't have just been reborn, it doesn't make sense. Isn't that the way it's supposed to be? We survive long enough to make it to the next Jellicle Ball so we don't have to die? Last summer Electra lost her grandpa, but I didn't hear about it until long afterwards..."_

Tumble had never had anyone close to him die before, so he really hadn't thought about it much. I guess you could say he was sheltered, or fortunate, never having lost anyone close.

Tumble thought this over as he curled up in the blanket and fell into a, deep, troubled sleep.


	3. The agreement

**Disclaimer: I don't own CATS!  
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Tumble sat at the kitchen counter at breakfas the next morning, starring off into space, thinking about death. The image of Admetus' body being lowered into the ground staining his vision as he wondered how he should even feel._ "I never knew Admetus, am I supposed to feel sad? He always seemed creepy, I wouldn't be surprised if my friends are glad he's gone. I don't know..."_ his thoughts drifted on as he bit his lip and didn't touch a bite, his mom scurrying back and fourth in the kitchen unnoticed.

_"Am I supposed to be glad that the junkyard creep is gone? Maybe"-_"Tumble, I need you to do a favor for me." His mom's voice pulled him out of his thoughts and he looked up at her startled.

"Wha...?" was all he could get out, as he slowly became aware of his surroundings again.

"Tumble, I need you to run this mouse casserole over to Exotica," said the gumbie cat, holding up a covered casserole dish.

"Who? And why can't you do it?" he asked, frustrated that she had inturrupted his train of thought.

"Because, you're father Skimble is coming back from his train trip today, and I need to have the den ready and clean. He doesn't know about Admetus yet, so I want him to come home to a clean and peaceful den so he can be relaxed from his trip. Plus I'm making everyone's favorite dinner."

At this Tumble stuck out his tongue and crossed his arms, she meant her and Skimble's favorite dinner, not his.

"You're going to do as I've said and you'll do it cheerfully, after all Exotica's been through, she needs the help."

"Who's Exotica?" asked Tumble, not really caring.

"She's Admetus' widow, and losing him has been hard on her. Now take this casserole over to her den by the far side of the water hole, it's the only one in that area, so you'll find it easily," said Jenny, handing the casserole over to Tumble.

Tumble sighed very loudly as he took the casserole from his mother and left the den, resenting having to do this task.

He walked slowly through the junkyard, anger starting to well up inside him as he faked a smile and waved at Old Gus, who was getting a little neurotic. He was angry that he had to do this, angry that he couldn't forget what happened and his mother had to keep him involved, and angry that he still didn't have any answers about death.

Suddenly, Pouncival bounded up to him, looking at him oddly as he noticed the casserole dish.

"Hey Tumbly, what'cha doing with the dish? You gonna finally ask out Electra like you always wanted to?" asked Pouncival, sauntering up and taking the lid off the casserole dish and sniffing.

"Hey, no it's not for Electra, I'm bringing it to Exotica," said Tumble, putting the lid back on the dish defensively.

"Oh, I see, going for an older queen, are you? How old is she anyway? About fourty? Perfect for you," said Pounce, with a mocking voice.

"What? No, I'm bringing this to her because my mom says I have to. Now will you leave me alone?" he said, trying to push past him.

"Oh, well aren't you the mama's boy, huh? You always do what mommy says?" asked Pounce, stepping in front of Tumble.

It was true, Tumble may have been a bit of a brat and had a temper, but he was very fond of his mother, always jealous for her attention. Although he didn't always do as she said, everyone knew he was a complete mama's boy (err, tom), always defending his mom if anybody made the tiniest bad remark about her.

"Just leave me alone, okay?" said Tumble, stepping around Pounce and storming off, leaving his friend dissapointed that he couldn't get him more riled up.

Tumble was near exploding now, he still had this task to get done, it was a beautiful day, and Pounce had to make fun of him.

_"Dang it,"_ he thought, walking towards the water hole,_ "Admetus just had to die, so now I have to deal with my stupid friend. Why couldn't somebody who knew him do this?"_

As he made his way around the water hole, he wondered who Exotica was. He remembered the name somewhat, but he didn't know which queen it was. When he finally made it to the far side of the water hole, he saw the den, far up the bank and out of the way.

He stopped when he saw it, and stood on the bank of the water hole, afraid to approach the den. He was extremely shy, and didn't like meeting new Jellicles. They always asked him questions like how old he was, who his parents were, or how many siblings did he have.

Gulping, Tumble slowly walked up the door of the den, casserole in hand. He hesitated a moment, unsure of how to greet the cat who lived here. How could he be sympathetic about a cat he was just resenting? Finally he knocked at the door, hoping that maybe nobody was home. But his heart sank as he heard the sound of footsteps from inside the den, and suddenly the door opened, and there was the dark face of the queen he had seen at the funeral.

She looked stressed and tired, but she smiled when she saw him. "Hello, may I help you?" she asked, not recognizing Tumble.

"Umm, no, I'm just here to give you this," he said, holding out the casserole. "My mom Jenny wanted me to bring it for you, it's a mouse casserole."

Exotica opened the door more and stepped aside, "why don't you come in a minute, I have something I need to get for your mom."

Tumble awkardly made his way inside, noticing a bouquet of white roses and a picture album covered in dust on the kitchen table.

"You can set the casserole down on the table over there," she said, stepping out of the room to look for something.

Tumble set the casserole down and looked around the den, it seemed untidy, like several chores had been attempted at once but had been given up on before they were done. There were boxes of stuff half packed up, a layer of dust on the floor, and Tumble noticed several little holes in the roof.

He felt a little uneasy, thinking of being surrounded by the reminders of death all the time, but then he had to go home to his den, where Admetus had actually died.

Suddenly, Exotica came back into the room, holding an envelope in her hands. "This is a letter of acknowledgement for your mother, thanking her for... for doing her best... for doing all she could..." she couldn't get the words out and had to fight back tears.

Tumble gulped, thinking fast, he looked back and fourth at the messed up den and blurted out, "I could fix your roof for you." And then mentally smacked himself when he realized what he has just said.

This took Exotica by surprise, she wiped her eyes and asked, "really, you'd do that for me?"

Tumble nodded, "I could come tomorrow," he said, speaking without thinking.

"That... that means a lot to me, that you don't even know me and you would offer to do that. Thank you," she said, genuinely.

Tumble felt like an idiot, offering to do something he didn't want to do, but he just nodded, realizing he had to go along with it.

"By the way, what's your name again?" asked Exotica.

"Tumble, Tumblebrutus actually," he said, rather distastefully.

"Tumble, cute name. So I'll see you tomorrow?" she asked, handing him the letter.

"Yep," was all he could say, as he inched his way toward the door, before saying, "so I have to go, I'll see you."

Exotica walked him out to the edge of her porch, Tumble just smiling and nodding to everything the queen said.

"And Tumble," she called, as he was walking away. At her voice he turned around to see her still standing in the doorway watching him. "Thanks," she called, with an earnest look on her face.

Tumble nodded and then turned around and left. As he heard the door close behind him, he smacked himself in the face. "What have a gotten myself into?" he asked himself, feeling like an idiot.


	4. A change in heart

Skimble was greatly upset to hear about Admetus' sudden death, but Tumble didn't care, he had promised to do something he didn't want to do, now just getting more involved in something he wanted out of. He grouchily ate his supper, not caring that he hated grouse, and that night paced his room trying to figure out how to get out of the task he had promised.

_"Let's see, I could say I don't know how to fix a roof, but I learned that in Kit-Scouts, and she would ask why I'd offered if I didn't already know. Way to awkward. I could go out tomorrow but not go to her den at all, but what if one of my friends sees me? Then I'd be in trouble for lying. Of course, I could stay home, but Exotica knows my parents, so that would cause even more trouble if she came to them. And of course like an idiot I had to tell my mom what I said to Exotica. Damn, I'm trapped."_

Tumble started angrily throwing his favorite ball up against the wall and catching it as it would come back to him, trying to figure out how to get out of fixing Exotica's roof. Throwing his ball always helped calm him down, since he had anger issues, his mom suggested he do it to cool off, although it wasn't working here, and it seemed the more he threw it the angrier he got. Finally he just let the ball drop to the floor, he knew he couldn't get out of this, so he walked out into the hall and into his mother's office. He stood in the dark room up agaisn't the wall, his temper giving way to fear. He feared dying, and he didn't know why. He just didn't think about it before, but now he didn't even know what about dying made him afraid. Slowly he sank to his knees, afraid to leave the dark office, but afraid to stay because it was where death lingered. He clutched his knees and curled up into a little ball, shaking back and fourth until he fell asleep from exhaustion.

The next morning, Tumble awoke on the floor of his mother's office, cold and sore. The sun was still low on the horizon, so he snuck back up to his own room and got into his own bed, but was suddenly disturbed by the sound of his mother pounding on his door. "Tumble, if you're going to fix Exotica's roof, you need to get clean up and eat your breakfast now, that way you'll be ready to get started by a decent hour."

Her voice rang through his head, but he didn't protest. Instead, he got up and washed his face and got his fur straightened out, and then ambled down the stairs where a delicious aroma met his nose. He walked into the kitchen and found his mother had made a huge breakfast of mouse pancakes and bacon.

He wanted to enjoy his breakfast, but he knew why his mom had made it, because he was going to help Exotica. His mom lectured him on the joy of helping others, and his dad Skimble talked to him about growing up and facing responsibility. He shoveled down his food hurriedly, as it became as 'bland and tasteless' as as his parents words of wisdom, wanting to get away from them as quickly as possible

As he was leaving the den, his dad handed him a tool belt and gave him one last 'long boring' lecture, and he headed out into the quiet junkyard. He didn't know how to get out of it, but since it was still early, he walked very slowly, taking his time with every step. As he came around the corner to the far side of the water hole, he saw that Exotica was waiting for him on the porch.

"Hey there sleepy head, here early, huh?" she called to him, sounding a bit sleepy herself.

"Yeah, my mom said I should get an early start," he said, awkwardly approaching the dark queen.

"Well, I'll show you where the ladder is, can you find the holes and everything yourself?" she asked, concerned.

"Oh, no, it's fine, you don't have to show me where the problems are."

Exotica then led Tumble to the side of her den (which was made of two discarded dog houses that had been connected, one partially buried by junk), where there was a step ladder he used to climb up on the roof.

Exotica went back inside to pack up a few boxes of Admetus' stuff, leaving Tumble to his task. He walked back and fourth on the roof, feeling so stupid for volunteering for the task at hand. After several minutes of pacing, he got down on his knees and started searching for the holes he had to fix. As he felt around on the roof, he realized that the holes were everywhere really, it was just that most of them didn't go all the way through.

"Damn, I can't plug all these holes, I'm gonna have to seal this whole roof, and then put something over it," he said, glaring angrilly at the roof.

He climbed down off the roof and ran back home for a few tubes of sealant, figuring he might as well do this task right. He wanted to hurry up and get this part done, realizing this job was going to take a while, but he thought twice about just starting to put sealant on the roof and went to go ask Exotica if she'd be okay with it. He slowly made his way up the porch, still feeling shy around the strange cat.

He knocked and pushed open the door, but he was shocked what he saw. There was Exotica, sitting on the couch and bawling her eyes out. There was an old note in her lap, and in one of her paws she clutched a necklace. The tears poured down her face in streams, but at the sound of Tumble entering her den, she looked up in fright, unsure of what to do.

Tumble starred back and dropped the tube of sealant on the floor, he had never seen this much hurt from one queen, she looked completely broken. Without thinking he hurried over to her and grabbed her paw and held it in his. He locked eyes with her, seeing all the pain that she was trying to put away and hide. Swallowing, he asked her, "what can I do?" a question to which she had no response. So slowly he got down on his knees, and opened his arms to her, which she almost fell into as she accepted his embrace. He held her as she cried into his fur, wanting to absorb some of the pain she felt, even though he was still ignorant in every way about the tom she was mourning. He had no more resentment for her now, no, now all he wanted was to understand everything.


End file.
